For a couple of years, I guided a mental health group for older adults at the hospital where I worked as an RN. Amongst the seniors in the group, there was a lot of wisdom bouncing around the room, and it was a joy to share in the insightful life experiences they had garnered over their lives. One piece of sage advice that was provided by my eldest group member, Ted, a 92-year-old particularly endearing gentleman. While discussing happiness, Ted pointed out that he had an obstacle that reared its head every time he started to feel happy, which he aptly called the, “Yes, but…”. Do you recognize it? It goes like this:
Person A: “Are you happy?”
Person B: “Yes, but….(insert your excuse here)”
The excuses we use to deflect from our happiness are endless: “Yes, but it hard to grow old.” “Yes, but I suffer from chronic pain.” “Yes, but it is raining outside today.” “Yes, but my family doesn’t call me enough.” “Yes, but my parents didn’t love me.” “Yes, but I am lonely.”
You get the point. We could be enjoying the sun beams streaming down on us through the window, enjoying a morning coffee, dry and warm, and still find something to complain about–something to deflect away from our happiness. What is it about human nature that makes it so hard to enjoy the moment, just as it is? We diminish our present contentment by worrying about things that may or may not happen in the future, or we focus on events that happened to us in the past that we allow to drag us down and away from the present moment. It is like we live waiting for “the other shoe to drop,” instead of appreciating the beauty of the moment before us.
Is it possible that we do not feel worthy of feeling good? Do we hold onto deep-seated fears that there is something wrong with us–fears that we are not good enough or that life has it in for us, for some reason or other. We think back on our lives and remember all the things we did wrong, like “I wasn’t very nice to my sister that time I let her get in trouble for something I did,” therefore I don’t deserve any happiness today, 50 years later.
In the end, this wise group of older adults concluded that this limited, yet pervasive thinking called the “Yes, but…” is one of our greatest stumbling blocks to inner peace. The way to heal this habitual way of thinking is threefold:
- Live in the Moment
- Refocus our thoughts on gratitude.
- Forgive ourselves for things we think we did wrong in the past or wrongs that have been done to us.
So, the next time you are feeling pretty good, experiencing a glimmer of happiness, and your mind starts to wander towards the old, “Yes, but…”, stop it in its tracks. Talk to yourself, align your actions with your inner conscience, and say, “I accept happiness; I deserve happiness; I am worthy of happiness.” So, to repeat: stop your negative thoughts, ground yourself in the moment, find something to be grateful for, forgive yourself for anything that holds you back from feeling happy, and put the above mentioned affirmation on repeat in your mind. Do these few things, and happiness will be like a lucky penny that you can’t stop finding everywhere you turn.
Happiness to you, my friend, happiness to you.
