Out of desperation one evening, feeling very distraught at a family gathering many years ago, I phoned my father to express my conflicted emotional state – family get togethers often elicited this reaction from me. Now, I know I was feeling desperate to talk to someone if I phoned my dad, because of all the people I knew, he was the one I could pretty much guarantee would not provide a sympathetic ear – it was a long shot. Although he didn’t have the advice I wanted and I wasn’t sure he addressed my concerns, his words had enough truth to give me pause and reflect on the family gathering from a different angle. He said, in his Zen Buddhist sort of way, “Maybe you have to worry less about people loving and understanding you, and worry more about loving and understanding other people.”
The truth of the matter is that we can apply this advice to many situations in which we find ourselves experiencing emotional conflict or suffering in relationship to someone else. Whether you want to think of it as fair or unfair, one of the ways I have learned (through my spiritual practice) to deal with suffering is to put myself aside, as much as possible in the moment, and focus on seeing things through the lens of loving others. To focus my attention on my ability to give kindness or love, or whatever is required, in a situation does not mean I have to be a sitting duck, or toss myself into a sacrificial fire, but it does allow me to move away from a negative space and into a more positive one. It is exactly those difficult emotional situations, once again fair or unfair, that provides us the opportunity to take our ideals of being a good person or practicing our spiritual chops – we may not see it at the time, but difficult situations are exactly what we need to transform ourselves and garner a greater understanding of life.
Inevitably, there comes a point in life when we have to actually grow up, not just look grown up, and ‘put the pedal to the metal’, so to speak. What I mean by this is that we can go around saying a lot of nice spiritual things, ‘trying’ to be a good person, but all of this adds up to a whole pocketful of sweet nothing if we do not act on those principles and ideals in which we believe. So, I can go around acting all peaceful but if I don’t become peace, then all I am doing is acting, not being. So, when we turn our thinking around from a mindset of constriction and fear, namely, ‘what can I get out of this situation’, to a more expansive and loving mindset of ‘what can I do to contribute positively to this situation’ our lives can change, or to be more exact, we can change. Of course, nothing comes without acknowledging the subtle whisper of our conscience telling us that we are worth it – we are worth making our words mean something – we are worthy of honouring our life by being authentic and true.
So, if you find you are discouraged with yourself or suffering in a relationship pattern that doesn’t feel good, you can give this technique a try – turn the situation around and instead of being afraid that there is not enough love to go around, start planting some seeds of love. You may surprise yourself by becoming a better person and watching some flowers bloom around you.
